How to Stop Your Ego From Killing Your Relationships
Are you someone who struggles with your ego?
The type of ego that makes you too prideful, unable to be vulnerable, feel the compulsive need to always be right, and disconnect from others?
In this post I will talk about:
How I’ve come to know my ego
How to take actionable steps to access your conscious mind
How to be more in control of who you are showing up as
If you have also struggled with how to access the root of your thoughts and want to learn how to stop sabotaging the relationships around you, then keep reading!
How Does The Ego Show Up?
As someone who tends to overthink, creates fake scenarios and then gets stressed by said scenario…
I’m here to tell y’all that breaking free of these shackles is possible.
I would characterize myself as half free/half shackled but progress over perfection.
It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I began to notice how my ego was dominating my mind and because it lead to a lot of self-inflicted mental suffering, I knew something had to change.
I would lead myself down these tortuous paths and convince myself that a situation was 10x worse than it really was.
These unhealthy thinking patterns typically emerged when I experienced a situation where I felt hurt by someone.
In these moments the clear solution was to confront them and move on, but instead I would create these fake scenarios in my head.
I would tell myself a story that would explain why they acted in the way they did and respond to that version of the story.
Delusional, I know…
A common theme I noticed was that the scenario I would choose to respond to in my mind was always one that left me feeling bad about myself.
And would justify my position as the victim.
My mind would default to assigning another persons intention which would automatically put me in a position to be defensive.
That defensive position would further encourage me to be in a state of wanting to emotionally protect myself.
And what did protecting myself look like? avoiding confrontation.
In the eyes of my ego, why would I ever run towards what I believe is going to hurt me?
You see how this leaves you immobilized and stuck in your feelings?
I could replay the story in my head that they were the “bad” person but all I was left with was feeling sorry for myself.
And sure- they may have done something unkind but then I was in the position where it felt like there was no way to move forward.
Something to consider: The more you run away from addressing an issue, the more space you give your mind to assign meaning to actions you never had the facts to begin with. This eventually leads to you reprogramming your beliefs about a person which will lead to resentment and possibly a disintegrating relationship.
Lose-lose situation.
What Is The Ego?
In the context of this post when I say ego I’m referring to the self perceived sense of importance.
Ego= outward projection of our subconscious mind (our core beliefs, created and molded by our experiences, could be untrue and not serving us)
True Self= uncovered through mindfulness and conscious awareness (allows you to be aware of what you believe, why, and understand how it’s serving you)
The ego is who we hide behind, that armour that shields us sometimes for the better and sometimes worse.
Our ego is sometimes what gives us a healthy dose of confidence but can also hinder us from developing deeper relationships.
You know those instances where you did something wrong but you just can’t admit it? That’s your ego holding you back.
It’s when we act “too cool” or “unbothered” in situations that would typically evoke an emotional response.
The ego is protective
Reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle has really helped me gain a deeper understanding of my subconscious mind and determine whether or not my ego is controlling my actions.
For the purpose of this blog I’m discussing how the ego can disrupt relationships of any nature (platonic, romantic, etc).
On the surface the ego can live and operate as powerful, but if you truly dive in it serves as a protective function.
Protective function you say? Yes protective because it prevents our vulnerabilities from being revealed as discussed above.
This allows us to be in a position of power because we are never fully exposing how a particular situation may have affected us and if we can hide that, our ego thrives.
When we let go of that armour, we feel exposed and that can be a scary and uncomfortable position to be in.
We believe that operating from our ego is keeping us strong.
But something we may not recognize because we are so consumed by our inner world…
Is that there is also the possibility for a deeper connection waiting for us on the other side.
Is it a risk? Absolutely.
But having the courage to put yourself in a position to feel seen and understood by someone you deem important could actually be worth it.
Bell Hooks says something along the lines that ego cannot live where there is love and that has always stuck with me (from her book All About Love)
It’s in the process of exposing our vulnerabilities that we are able to grow and create stronger connections with those around us.
Of course when I say “expose our vulnerabilities” you gotta make sure you have the right audience.
Not everyone deserves to see you vulnerable, especially if they are someone who doesn’t make you feel emotionally safe.
People who show you mutual reciprocity, respect, and care are the people who deserve to see you vulnerable.
Y’all get me!! I just needed to clear that up.
Meet Your Ego
1. Observe your thoughts
If you’re anything like me I really encourage you to get familiar with your ego.
I do this by taking the time to sit with my thoughts and take note of my internal dialogue.
Once I was able to sit in silence and just observe my thoughts I truly realized how noisy my mind was.
Like damn girl you never shut up!
I was able to listen to exactly what my mind was saying and could start to notice the patterns and the tone my thoughts would have.
You can refer to the image above and start to notice if you thoughts fall more on the ego or true self side.
This is how you get to that state where you can consciously access your mind.
2. Assess your thoughts
After I was able to observe my thoughts without any judgment I began to question my internal dialogue.
There’s a famous psychiatrist named Dr.Daniel Amen who has mentioned on multiple podcasts, that the worst thing you can do for your mind is to believe every thought you have.
He’s also mentioned on various platforms that getting into the habit of asking yourself these 4 questions will help you differentiate your thoughts.
You can read more about his take on Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s) here
adapted from Dr. Daniel Amen, MD
When I was able to accept that not all of my thoughts were facts, that’s when my whole perspective changed.
Being able to assess our thoughts is integral to ego work because when we’re operating in our ego, we aren’t always working with the most accurate info.
This 4 step process is very helpful in getting me to move past those automatic thoughts that put me in a position of hurt, and allow me to be more curious of the situation.
3. Practice counter thoughts
Lastly, something I try to practice when my ego is firing off, is having counter thoughts so that I don’t extend my suffering.
For example, if you’re in a situation where you and a friend have drifted away and you were deeply hurt about it…
The ego might say “well if they cared they would’ve called me so clearly I’m not important to them”
A counter thought could be “This hurts me, and maybe there is something going on in their life that has nothing to do with me. I should talk to them”
Counter thoughts are very helpful because eventually with practice, they allow me to not operate from the place of my ego but from a place of higher awareness.
It’s a freeing feeling to not have to automatically hyperfocus on my hurt and leave space for the other person’s truth.
TALK TO ME
Having a curious mind that seeks to answer the question “what makes me who I am” will allow you to reflect on a lot of these concepts.
One last note I wanted to leave y’all with is that there is always the possibility that vulnerability doesn’t equal strength in relationships.
But vulnerability leads to clarity.
And clarity allows you to accurately form your thoughts and operate from your highest self.
Now I’m curious how you all have cultivated the relationship with your ego.
I want to know:
How you know if you’re operating within your ego
How you move past it
Leave me a comment or feel free to engage with me on my socials!
With love,
Leah
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